Dear Santa Fed; Where's my bailout plan?

How did that old song go? All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth? Well at the rate that this economy is going I'm going to need that as well as a Federal bailout plan for myself.

It sounds kind of silly doesn't it? A bailout plan for little ol' me. But why should I be any different? Just like these mega-corporations today who are going under, I've made some bad financial decisions in my life too. The fact of the matter is that compared to the thieves who run these companies I don't posses half the business know-how that they do. I would think they could have seen this coming a long time ago and done something about it. But instead of doing something for the greater good of the client or the company, they all did what was best for themselves and their pocket books.

I once worked for a large company that practiced this way in their sales department and let me tell you it made me sick. Oh I was paid handsomely if I played by their rules, but at the end of the day I felt terrible about myself. Needless to say I ended up quitting when the first opportunity outside of the company arose. There was just no way that I could make my living that way. Paint it any color you like ladies and gentlemen but in my mind and many others like me if you're not totally honest with your customers then it's simply called stealing.

And here's where the line in the sand is drawn between Main Street and Wall Street. If I steal from my company and it goes under because of my actions I'll be told to clean out my desk just like you did. I'll hand in my credentials and get escorted out of the building just like you were. And I'll leave with my million dollar severance... wait, wait, wait, what the hell am I saying! Unlike your tight knit little network of cronies who'll bounce back as Chairmen on some other board, I'll have nothing. No job, no money, and probably no prospects either.

I've known high ranking officials of large companies who left their posts in shame only to fly under the radar and resurface elsewhere. I wish I knew how they do that, I'm still trying to check out a book in a library after not bringing back a magazine in 1973. And when their past is brought up, the most widely used statement I've heard by the accused or their lawyers is that it was a "victimless crime". It may help them sleep at night but my guess is it doesn't do anything for the families who lost every cent of their pensions.

No sir, unlike you there are consequences to be paid in my world. When I get into financial trouble I'm chalked up as another failure who didn't manage his checkbook properly. My demise would probably start with the utilities getting turned off and my credit cards being cancelled. Next comes the repo man to take my car, and it climaxes with a bank rep showing up to inform me that they're foreclosing on my home. Just like that, I'm out on the street with nothing. I heard that when the average Joe like me falls behind we can lose just about everything in 60 days. I'm honest, I work hard, and if I fall on hard times I can end up destitute in no time at all but others in this world seem to have nine lives.

So before I ever reach that point of total financial degradation here's what I'm proposing: I'm going to need the Federal Government to help me with a few things since I am a contributing factor to this economy as well and I'm in need of help just like the next guy. And since it really wasn't totally my fault that I'm in this situation, (just like Wachovia and Washington Mutual weren't) I'm asking for a little bailout plan of my own. One that has a few less zeros on it than the current fiasco you're dealing with.

1.) I'm going to need you to first help me with my credit card debt. God knows I've been a bit frivolous with my spending in the past and I've fallen a bit behind in keeping this balance down like I once did. Forgive me for this since I've found it increasingly hard to buy fuel for my vehicle anymore. Once you cut your paycheck up and pay the bills you don't really have that kind of cash laying around for a couple of tanks of gas a week. And those health care visits and co-pays really do add up for a growing family nowadays. After all I gotta stay healthy to make all that money to put right back in my fuel tank! I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking for about $10,000 to cover this.

2.) Seeing that I had nothing to do with this entire financial debacle, Translation: I did my homework and realized what type of mortgage I could commit to and which ones that I could not, I'm asking you to make a check out to my wife and I in the amount of $50,000. This is the amount that we lost in the past three weeks on our 401K and I want it back. We have this crazy idea that someday we'd like to retire and I want to have some sort of confidence in the fact that we can do just that. I plan on working for another 25 years but don't misunderstand this as an invititation to take your time. I could use the interest.

3.) My last and most important request is that you start a college fund for my two children. Stick about $300,000 in a safe money market fund or a CD so I can be assured that they'll get the education that they deserve. Just like the sleazy banks who knew that the loans they were selling were probably never going to be paid back, I knew that there was no way that I could put enough money away on the side for my child's education. (I guess that makes us even) And since we don't live in a deprived part of town, nor did we have a philanthropist show up at our school and empty a boat load of money on our kids for a four year free ride, I'm gonna really need your help on this one.

I do feel bad to a certain degree for asking this of you. I've always had a hard time stomaching people in this world who are never accountable for their own actions and are always holding their hand out for something. You know those people? The ones who claim that because of their race, creed, color, age, or handicap they're owed something. And the louder they are the more they usually get. Well lately I've grown tired of seeing this happen with others so I guess I'm going to jump in feet first too. After all I belong to a forgotten part of your political agenda myself. I'm a middle class American who like my big corporate brother has made mistakes. And what's good for them should do just fine for me.

Contact me at your soonest convenience and I'll provide you with all bank routing information that you'll need.

I eagerly await your reply.