Ah the old double standard. Do as I say, not as I do. I've heard adults say this all of my life and it never really sank in until recently. Now that I'm an adult and a parent, I realize that we don't exactly know everything either.
I'm beginning to see that I'm a bit of a hypocrite myself when I talk to my kids lately. They're at the age now when questions like "did you ever smoke", "did you ever try that", or "when did you start doing this" are arising. What in the world is a person to say! I can't just spill my guts now can I? And I can't make matters worse and lie to them either. This wasn't covered in the how-to manual of raising a happy and healthy teen. Oh wait there isn't one. That's what makes this job so damn hard!
I've preached about the need for total honesty with one another from birth and I still do it today. I've always told them that we have nothing without honesty. And I've assured them that no matter what the infraction, there will be a far lesser penalty enforced if they come clean with me. During any situation and regardless of the circumstance, I sure hope they remember this when they find themselves somewhere doing the same things I did when I was let off my leash over thirty years ago. Or when a ride home is needed at 1am because your friends aren't in any shape to drive.
But to help guide them in their ways I wanted to paint a picture of their father being the straight laced kid who listened well and stayed out of trouble. A person they can look up to as someone who knew right from wrong and chose the high road whenever possible. Someone who was not so easily swayed by the decisions and actions of his peers and didn't succumb to the pressure to "just try it, you won't get hooked". A guy who knew what the legal drinking age was and waited to take that first sip.
So much for honesty.
I grew up in a middle class family of two working parents. Comparing my life with my children to the life I had with my parents when growing up is a stark contrast to one another. I do more with them, and have done more with them to this age than my folks did with me in my entire life.
I'm fine with this. I'm not in therapy, and I don't feel like I was short changed in my upbringing. My wife and I have been blessed for the most part with decent jobs that allow us plenty of time to be with our own kids and in my parents defense they had to make due with what they had.
My father worked about every shift a man could get to bring home a paycheck and disposable hours spent doing anything else were few and far between. And it wasn't like I contributed much to help with the weekly chore list and eliminate other responsibilities that he had on his time off. My mother briefly took time away from the workforce to raise my sister and I but quickly returned when we could wipe our own rear ends. And she still continues to work full time today.
There was also the fact that their era was more concerned with raising their kids right rather than trying to be their best friends. They were, and their parents were, the iron fist of reason who provided food and shelter first and fun and games later. I honestly believe that my generation is having some of the problems with our children today because we are failing to recognize this one fundamental fact. Our jobs are to first help them become intelligent, honorable individuals before we give them everything that their heart desires. We have grown so used to saying that we want our kids to have everything we didn't that we are setting them up for failure on a much larger scale.
When it came to sports, When I was a kid you had to try out for the team. If you failed, you tried even harder next season. Now, there are three volleyball teams in my daughter's middle school to accommodate all of the students who've signed up for it. Notice I said signed up. Anyone with a pen and a pair of shorts and gym shoes are welcomed. And let me say that after many painful matches watching kids who had absolutely no skill at all I found it hard to understand what it is that these schools are trying to do (or not do). God forbid we should damage them for life and cut them from the team for not performing. This is preparing them for life? Maybe life on another planet but surely not mine. I mean in the real world we all get the jobs we want at the salaries we need, right? We all can now qualify for home loans above and beyond what we can actually afford and we're never turned down for anything anymore. Instead of taking a proactive look at things and educating our kids on how the system works and what to expect in life, we have become a society of yes-men who give virtually everything to anyone and let them worry about the repercussions later when they fail.
It's like these goof ball liberal parents who feel that their children are going to drink anyway so as long as they do it at home they're fine with that. This frame of mind has to be the most asinine thing I've ever heard. Instead of teaching them what's right from wrong, convincing them that you can still be the life of the party without drugs, and letting them know that you can be very cool by just being yourself, they are giving them permission to begin their downward spiral in the safe confines of their own living room. Remember folks, we were all that age at one time. Half the fun of doing it was when it was wrong and there was an element of risk. At home or not at home, It's all wrong.
So what am I going to do when the questions become more specific and I can't tap dance around the subject? I'm going to have to practice what I preach and tell my kids the truth. I made my mistakes and I paid for them. And in some instances my friends, who were not as lucky as me, paid for it with their lives. I was the lucky one. Nevertheless I was stupid, and put my parents through undue stress, but I survived. And that's no guarantee that they will be as lucky.
I'll tell them of the countless kids we pulled from cars injured in accidents. Some drunk, and some taking a ride from a drunk. I'll explain to them what a family looks like when they watch EMT's work on their teenage child who nearly died from a heroin overdose. And I'll tell them how bad I felt after my first binge and what liberties were taken away from me by my father in doing so.
And all the while I say this I know that I'll be the hypocrite who did these things himself and forbid them from doing the same. But with a watchful eye, an open line of communication, and trust in them with a mutual respect of each other, I can only hope that they do the right thing. And with a little luck I too will have two kids who survived their younger years.
After me, anything is possible.
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